can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
