I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
