i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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