Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
