Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
