I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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