new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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