It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
