I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
