you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
