she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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