At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
