So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
