she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
