why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no you cant smoke seaweed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
