When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
