You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Swine flu is the new snow day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
