I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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