hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
