I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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