Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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