I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
