if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
