Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
