why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
