I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
