I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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