If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize