I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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