If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize