They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
