her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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