just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
