she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
