Don't make out with my wife yet
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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