please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
