You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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