Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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