Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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