everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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