On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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