I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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