he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
