Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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