So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
