Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
