in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
