i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
