is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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