either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
