Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it's like iHOP with fire
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
