He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
