What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
