They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
