shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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