Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
