I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
