And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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