she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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