My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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